Color Me What?

For several months now, I've been volunteering at a cake supply store where my mother works. The store recently acquired a new point-of-sale/inventory program and I've been lending a hand entering thousands of items into the program, a few hours here and there when the hubby's home to watch the kids. Very recently, I've been adding in various food colorings and my head has been spinning with some of the color names. Apparently, saying something is red isn't descriptive enough.

When you say you want to color a gumpaste flower “Red” (since I'm too lazy to explain what gumpaste is, may I introduce you to my good friend www.google.com...), you're faced with a conundrum. Do you want that flower to be “Claret” or “Rouge Flambet”?

Seriously?

SERIOUSLY??!!

Oh and yellow? Not good enough. Do you want Canary Yellow or Yellow Citrine?

Am I the only one who sees “Citrine” and thinks of “Latrine”...which leads me to think of something else that's yellow? *full body shudder*

Moving on...

I've decided to come up with my own colors. I suggest when you're choosing colors, say, for that extensive living room remodel, be sure to use these color names. If nothing else, it'll make you look like the most interesting customer in Home Depot.

No, my loyal readers, that is not the color “Red”. That is “Arterial Spray”

Why go for plain “Yellow”, when you can go for “Liver Failure”?

No...that's not “Mustard Yellow”. That is “Bad Chinese”. Open your eyes! COME ON!!

Why have “Sea Foam Green” when you can have “Unhappy Bridesmaid”?

“Mint Green”, you say? Well, in my house, sweetheart, we call that “Nausea”.

Not to be confused with...

“Anemia”. That color just screams for a t-bone steak and some pureed beets.

You may be thinking that's the color “Black”, but you would be mistaken. That, my friends, is what were refer to as “Mel Gibson's Career”.

Don't gimme that look Mel; you brought that on yourself.

Your eyes are deceiving you. That's not "Orange", it is actually “Dollar Store Bottle Tanner”.

It may look like pink, but it's actually “Subtle Humiliation”. May also be referred to as “I Decided to Skip the Dollar Store Bottle Tanner and Get the Real Thing”.

Which brings us to...

“Melanoma”.

For the record, I'm fully aware of the severity of skin cancer and realize that it's a very unfunny condition.

Which is why I use...

So, please, be sure to correct your Sherwin Williams Paint sales associate when he refers to that icy color as “Blue”. 'Cause you and I both know that color is really “WHO THE FRACK TURNED THE AC DOWN TO 50??!!”

*salutes*